Resources for Teens

Women and girls ages 16-24 experience the highest per capita rates of intimate violence - nearly 20 per 1000 women (Bureau of Justice Special Report: Intimate Partner Violence, May 2000).

Teen Dating Statistics:

Of the women between the ages 15-19 murdered each year, 30% are killed by their husband or boyfriend. (City of New York, Teen Relationship Abuse Fact Sheet, March 1998)
Nearly 80% of young women who have been physically abused in their intimate relationships, continue to date their abusers. (Ibid).
In a recent survey, 26% of teenagers said they are very concerned about dating violence; 31% said they or a friend experienced dating violence. (Applied Research & Consulting LLC for Liz Claiborne Inc., Spring 2000)
40% of teenage girls age 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age that has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend. (Children Now/Kaiser Permanente poll, December 1995)
While women are less likely than men to be victims of violent crimes overall, women are 5 to 8 times more likely than men to be victimized by an intimate partner. (U.S. Department of Justice, March 1998)
In 92% of all domestic violence incidents, crimes are committed by men against women. (U.S. Department of Justice, January 1994)

Look over the following questions. Think about how you are being treated and how you treat your partner. When one person scares, hurts or continually makes fun of the other person, it is abuse.

Does Your Partner...

Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be?
Act jealous?
Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends? Family? Teachers?
Prevent you from going or doing things you want - like hanging out with your friends or wanting to be by yourself?
Make you feel like everything that doesn't go right is your fault?
Put down your accomplishments?
Make you feel like they are smarter than you?
Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?
Tells you that you are nothing without them?
Treat you roughly - grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you?
Blame you for how they feel?
Pressure you sexually for things you are not ready for?
Make you feel like there is "no way out" of the relationship?
Try to keep you from leaving after a fight? Or leave you somewhere after a fight to "teach you a lesson"?

Do You...

Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?
Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?
Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner's behavior - apologize for them?
Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself (how you dress, who you talk to, how you show you care, etc.)
Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?
Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you?
Stay with your partner only because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?

If any of these are happening in your relationship, it is important that you talk to someone you trust. Without some help, the abuse will continue to happen.

Reaching and Teaching Teens, NDVSAC, 1996

Early Warning Signs that your date may eventually become abusive:

Extreme jealousy - using jealousy as a sign of love
Controlling behavior
Not letting you have your own friends
Quick involvement
Making all of the decisions
Unpredictable mood swings
Constant criticism
Verbal abuse
Alcohol or drug use
Explosive anger
Making you feel guilty
Uses force during an argument
Blames others for their problems
Smashing gifts, destroying objects
Cruel to animals
Abused former partners
hreatens violence
Threatens to hurt you or themselves if you end the relationship

Common Indicators that a Teenager may be Experiencing Dating Violence:

Physical signs of injury
A drop in grades
Changes in mood or behavior
Sudden emotional outbursts
Withdraws from friends
Truancy, dropping out of school
Use of alcohol or other drugs

Dating Safety:

Consider double-dating the first few times you go out with someone new
Before leaving on a date, know the plans for the evening and make sure a parent or friend knows these plans and what time to expect you home. Let your date know that you are expected to call or tell someone when you get in.
Be aware of your decreased ability to react while under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
If you leave a party with someone you do not know well, make sure you tell another person you are leaving and with whom you are with. Ask a friend to call and make sure you arrived home safely.
Assert yourself when necessary. Be firm and straightforward in your relationships.
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. If a situation makes you uncomfortable, try to be calm and think of a way to remove yourself from the situation.

Domestic Violence Advocacy, Program of Family Resources, Inc.

Safety Planning for Teens:

Your safety is the most important thing. Listed below are tips to help keep you safe. Things to consider when leaving/breaking up with an abusive partner:

Consider changing your school locker or lock.
Consider changing your route to and from school.
Ask a friend to be with you as you go to school, classes, out on the weekends, after school activities, etc.
Keep a journal describing the abuse.
Change the number to your cell phone, pager, beeper
Keep spare change, calling cards, phone numbers of local shelters, phone number of someone who could help you and if applicable, a copy of a personal protection order at all times.
Think about what adults you trust telling about the violence and abuse.
Consider what people at school you can tell to help keep you safe, such as teachers, counselors, social workers, principal, security.

If Your Friend is in an Abusive Relationship...

"I was there and he got real mad. First he started screaming at her and calling her names. Then he shoved her into the car and started slapping her. She was scared and tried to tell him she loved him. I got mad and yelled at him to stop, that she didn't do anything wrong. My boyfriend also tried to get him to stop. He told him to calm down, that this was not the way to treat a girlfriend. Later, we talked with her, and kept telling her he had no right to hit her."
-Abbie, 15
In Love & In Danger, 1993

FACT: The first person a teenager is most likely to go to for help is a friend.

Here is what you can do...

Point out the Different Types of Abuse. Help your friend recognize that abuse is more than getting shoved against a locker, hit or slapped. Abuse can be emotional, verbal, physical or sexual. Let your friend know that abuse happens and hurts more over time and it won't stop on its own. Let them know that being abused is NOT their fault - the abuser chooses how to act.
Express Your Concerns. Tell your friend you are glad that they confided in you. Let them know that you are worried about them, that it is not their fault, that you are glad that they told you, that you are there for them, that you want them to be safe.
Be Accepting. Try to understand that they are both good times and bad times in your friend's relationship. Don't become upset if they are not ready to break off the relationship and keep returning to their abusive partner. Hold back from telling them that they are wrong. Help your friend see that they are not to blame and that changing their behavior will not stop the abuse. Tell your friend that you are worried about their safety.
Support Your Friend's Strengths. Point out your friend's strengths. Abusive partners often put down, make fun of or ridicule their partner to make them feel as if no one else will like or accept them. Encourage your friend to take time for themselves and spend time with people who support them.
Reach Out to An Adult For Help. Encourage your friend to find a safe adult to talk to about their experience. Some suggestions: a domestic violence/sexual assault program, school counselor, teacher, clergy member or relative. Crisis lines are answered 24 hours a day and you don't have to give your name. Offer to go with them or to make the first call for them. Local domestic violence program telephone numbers include: Safe Haven Ministries at (616) 452-6664 or YWCA at (616) 451-2744.
Work on a Safety Plan. Help your friend think of ways to increase their safety. The abuse may temporarily increase if your friend takes steps to end the relationship. Offer to walk with her to and from school or between classes. Spend extra time with her. Encourage her to tell other friends so they can help.
Be There. Listen. And Stay There. You may feel like a broken record that no one is listening to. Keep supporting your friend. Avoid blaming them so they will know you are standing beside them. If your friend is ready to end the relationship, continue to be supportive and try to get them involved in activities. It takes time to get over any relationship - even one that is violent. Help your friend resist the pressure to get back together.
Keep Educating Yourself on Dating Violence. Coping with Dating Violence by Nancy Rue and In Love & In Danger by Barrie Levy are available for teens to learn more about violence in dating relationships.

If you are frightened or frustrated, get support for yourself. Remember, you can't rescue or solve your friend's problems, but you can offer your support.

Reaching & Teaching Teens
NDVCAC, 1996

Dating Bill of Rights

I have a right to:

Ask for a date
Refuse a date
Wear what I want
Eat what I want
Suggest activities
Refuse any activities, even if my date is excited about them
Feel safe
Say what I think
Be listened to
My own opinion
Have my own feelings and be able to express them
Say "I think you are wrong"
Tell someone to not interrupt me
Have my limits and values respected
To say no�. to anything
Refuse affection
Be heard
Refuse to lend money
Refuse sex any time, for any reason
Have friends and space away from my partner

I have a responsibility to:

Determine my limits and values
Respect the limits of others
Communicate clearly and honestly
Not violate the limits of others
Ask for help when I need it
Be considerate
Set high goals for myself
Check my actions and decisions to determine whether they are good for me

Adapted from the Domestic Violence Advocacy Program of Family Resources, Inc.

Resources

Dating Violence Reference sites:

Songs related to Domestic Violence and Sexual Abuse - compiled by Gerri Gribi
Love is Not Abuse - a project by Liz Claiborne Inc. about teen dating violence. Lots of good information, a quiz, warning signs, etc.
"No Safe Place" - program done in 1998 by PBS on domestic violence
The Sexual Victimization of College Women - a report by the U.S. Department of Justice from December, 2000
United Nations Declaration of Human Rights - timeline of progress against gender violence

RAVE of West Michigan
(616) 454-HOPE (4673)
http://www.childresource.cc/rave.php

The Empower Program
1312 8th Street, NW
Washington, DC 20001
202-882-2800
Fax: 202-234-1901
www.empowered.org
email: empower@empowered.org

Family Violence Prevention Fund
383 Rhode Island Street, Suite 304
San Francisco, CA 94103-5133
415-252-8900
Fax: 415-252-8991
www.fvpf.org
email: fund@fvpf.org

Girls Incorporated
National Resource Center
441 West Michigan Street
Indianapolis, IN 46202
317-634-7546
Fax: 317-634-3024
www.girlsinc.org
email: girlsinc@girls-inc.org

Los Angeles Commission on Assaults Against Women
In Touch with Teens Program
605 West Olympic Blvd., Suite 400
Los Angeles, CA 90015
213-955-9090 TTY: 213-955-9095
Fax: 213-955-9093
www.lacaaw.org
email: info@lacaaw.org

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Teen Dating Violence Project P.O. Box 18749
Denver, CO 80218
303-839-1852
Fax: 303-831-9251
www.ncadv.org

Center for the Prevention of Sexual & Domestic Violence
2400 45th Street #10
Seattle, WA 98103
206-634-1903
Fax: 206-634-0115
www.cpsdv.org
email: cpsdv@cpsdv.org

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
PO Box 15127
Washington, DC 20003
202-638-6388
www.ncadv.org
email: ncmdr@aol.com

Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE)
54 Mint Street, Suite 300
San Francisco, CA 94103
415-777-4496
www.menovercomingviolence.org